![\"\"](\"http:\/\/farm1.static.flickr.com\/5\/9061280_fb41008fa1.jpg\")
<\/p>\nive been totally despondent all day.\u00c2\u00a0 i have no energy, and no appetite.\u00c2\u00a0 its like i’ve already restarted the Interferon.\u00c2\u00a0 Like this is some kind of psychosomatic preview.\u00c2\u00a0 I have shuffled around the house trying to figure out what i can bare eating.<\/p>\n
i cried hard today.\u00c2\u00a0 for the first time in a long time.<\/p>\n
i realized that i’ve been here in portland for a month.\u00c2\u00a0 time just slips by when you are sick.\u00c2\u00a0 such a strange thing.\u00c2\u00a0 i’ve never experienced this until the last 6 months.\u00c2\u00a0 Its been six months!\u00c2\u00a0 half a year already.\u00c2\u00a0 that is so amazing.\u00c2\u00a0 so awful (& awe-ful.)<\/p>\n
writing it down helps get it out and away.<\/p>\n
my parents dont know what to do w\/ me.\u00c2\u00a0 they keep suggesting these things to do.\u00c2\u00a0 go to Multnomah Falls.\u00c2\u00a0 go for a bike ride.\u00c2\u00a0 go for a walk.\u00c2\u00a0 but i feel so awful.\u00c2\u00a0 i know that getting out and doing something will probably make me feel better.\u00c2\u00a0 but the thought of it also makes me totally revolted.\u00c2\u00a0 what a mess<\/p>\n
its going to suck again, but i can’t wait for the Interferon on monday, so i can just get this over with<\/p>\n
my mom brought me some chicken soup, which seems to be the only thing i can eat when i get like this.\u00c2\u00a0 mom’s homemade chicken soup.\u00c2\u00a0 so cliche.\u00c2\u00a0 but it works.\u00c2\u00a0 feeling a little bit better.<\/p>\n
i can’t wait to be done with this and back in my normal life.<\/p>\n
ADDENDUM<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
(photo CC-BY-SA from Flickr by 80sAustin)<\/p>\n
I spent an hour+ meditating, which helped.\u00c2\u00a0 I don’t really understand why it works, but it does.\u00c2\u00a0 It calms me down.\u00c2\u00a0 Gives me a structure to feel my emotions, cry where needed, etc.<\/p>\n
Then, as per O’s suggestion (re: my observation) I took the novelty approach, and walked somewhere I had never walked before.\u00c2\u00a0 Kind of.\u00c2\u00a0 I walked down the Marquam Trail<\/a> towards downtown.\u00c2\u00a0 We used to walk down this trail when I was little, and I used to run it in high school, but I haven’t walked it in at least 10 years.\u00c2\u00a0 The trees were so huge…\u00c2\u00a0 It was amazing to be in the woods right in the middle of the city.\u00c2\u00a0 I grew up in it, but I clearly had forgotten.\u00c2\u00a0 It is nothing like Central or Prospect park, which are so manicured.\u00c2\u00a0 And also so full of people.\u00c2\u00a0 I didn’t see anyone the whole time.\u00c2\u00a0 Though I heard a little brook gurgle.\u00c2\u00a0 And lots of birds.<\/p>\n When i got to the bottom, I called my mother for a ride back up the hill.<\/p>\n Walking down was hard, physically.\u00c2\u00a0 Which was emotionally invigorating.\u00c2\u00a0 But also broke me down enough that I had to stop several times to cry.\u00c2\u00a0 I wonder if I am reverting to the state I was in when I first found out and all I did was cry.\u00c2\u00a0 I would sit down on the subway, and just start crying.\u00c2\u00a0 I hope not.\u00c2\u00a0 At least I can cound on the Interferon to blunt all emotion.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 I know, I know, that is a totally fucked up concept.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" ive been totally despondent all day.\u00c2\u00a0 i have no energy, and no appetite.\u00c2\u00a0 its like i’ve already restarted the Interferon.\u00c2\u00a0 Like this is some kind of psychosomatic preview.\u00c2\u00a0 I have shuffled around the house trying to figure out what i can bare eating. i cried hard today.\u00c2\u00a0 for the first time in a long time. … Continue reading anticipatory despondency (sp?)<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[35,23,11,30,13,29],"class_list":["post-32","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-daily-update","tag-appetite","tag-fear","tag-interferon","tag-portland","tag-side-effects","tag-tired"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=32"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=32"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=32"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=32"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}