Infusion was uneventful. Passed my blood test.\u00c2\u00a0 Got the drugs.\u00c2\u00a0 No major side effects.<\/p>\n
I was pretty stressed yesterday and this morning.\u00c2\u00a0 I got really anxious before Monday treatments because the side effects start again IF my liver function is within a normal range.\u00c2\u00a0 I was really nervous my liver would be working too hard and I would not be given the drugs — I have a plane ticket out of here on Saturday morning, and now I know that I am going to be on that plane.\u00c2\u00a0 Nice.<\/p>\n
Today I spent the morning with LK.\u00c2\u00a0 She has been here since Thursday, and took part in the EPIC pizza party and hike.\u00c2\u00a0 Today was a little bit of solo time with her.\u00c2\u00a0 I met her cousin, and she told me stories about her family.<\/p>\n
Early on in my diagnosis I spoke to LK on the phone for a long time.\u00c2\u00a0 She kept saying “so M, you realize you are really going to have to change how much you can do, and you are going to have to say no, and not do things.”\u00c2\u00a0 And I said something like “yes, yes, just after I finish this next project” or something like that.\u00c2\u00a0 And she repeated herself a little more insistently.\u00c2\u00a0 And then she offered to say no for me.<\/p>\n
The deal was I would either email her to ask if I could do something, and she would tell me “No.”\u00c2\u00a0 Or I would simply know that she would say no, and say no myself and then tell her.\u00c2\u00a0 So here is our email exchange.\u00c2\u00a0 She became The Oracle, and I became the Supplicant.\u00c2\u00a0 NOTE: This was all written before the positive result from the lymph node surgery and the second major surgery.<\/strong><\/p>\n Dear supplicant,<\/p>\n The Oracle accepts your energetic shifts regarding your grant, your now-ex, and your mother, but she wonders about your priorities, given your decisions about how to compose this e-mail. The Oracle would appreciate less self-reflexivity in your tone, because really, she already knows.<\/p>\n When it comes to mothers, there are no mistakes.<\/p>\n Perhaps your mother would like to sew you something to protect your calf from new york city, brooklyn, car insurance, and other contributing factors. It could also have reflective tape, and maybe a family photo tucked inside. The Oracle senses that your mother might not be sure how the pinstripe suit will help you with your skin cancer. Is the fabric supposed to shield you from the sun while you are riding your bicycle? Are you going to grow your sideburns long and buy a big black hat?<\/p>\n The Oracle is considering visiting Portland at Christmas. Would the supplicant join her on this path? The Oracle likes your parents, and is nearly envious of their ability to engage intellectually with a variety of topics.\u00c2\u00a0 Oracles cannot, of course, be envious, but if they could be, she would be. The Oracle is also curious about their house and how the kitchen looks now. Although I sense its quiet, pulsing perfection, the tactile reality of opening the fridge would give the Oracle great pleasure.<\/p>\n The Oracle doesn’t really care if you apply for that grant, because many of her fellow priestesses are approaching 50 years old and have applied for that grant for the first time. The Oracle considers SL to be very Wise in his proclamation that there will be time for things like this later. The Oracle will make psychic contact with SL and invite him to join the circle of healing currently in place, held together by an infinite number of people and animals, most of whom you do not know, all of whom wish only for wholeness, smooth scars, and neat incisions.<\/p>\n The Oracle loves you. Take five deep breaths, shut your eyes, and imagine your parents’ refrigerator. Then imagine opening the fridge and being one with its bright, shiny light, sinking into its sterile, nurturing shelves and merging with the salad greens until you feel washed, spun, crisp, and good enough for your mom to present in her favorite bowl.<\/p>\n yours in bliss<\/p>\n LK<\/p>\n On Mar 8, 2008, at 8:09 PM, m wrote:<\/p>\n > Dear Oracle, Infusion was uneventful. Passed my blood test.\u00c2\u00a0 Got the drugs.\u00c2\u00a0 No major side effects. I was pretty stressed yesterday and this morning.\u00c2\u00a0 I got really anxious before Monday treatments because the side effects start again IF my liver function is within a normal range.\u00c2\u00a0 I was really nervous my liver would be working too hard … Continue reading Day 16 with the Oracle of Not Doing<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19,4],"tags":[31,26,32,27],"class_list":["post-33","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-backstory","category-daily-update","tag-brooklyn","tag-comfort","tag-decisions","tag-friends"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=33"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/33\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=33"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=33"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melanarrative.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=33"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n>
\n> I have forgotten many of the things i have not done.
\n>
\n> You could say this was a good thing: to forget the things which you decline.\u00c2\u00a0 Mostly it was because I am strongly remembering three things I decided not to do, two of which were hard but good to do, and struck hard at my spirit, and the last of which was something I should not have said no to.
\n>
\n> I did not apply for a big grant.
\n>
\n> This made me feel like my illness and my resolutions surrounding it were finally, actually impacting on my so-called life.\u00c2\u00a0 The fact of the matter is that my CV is not my life.\u00c2\u00a0 I know, oh Oracle, that I must repeat this many times.\u00c2\u00a0 Also, another fact of the matter is those things are such crapshoots, though I do feel like I had a better shot than in previous years, and supposedly getting into final rounds is good just by itself and often leads to other invitations.\u00c2\u00a0 Yet another fact of the matter was that I didn’t really have a project that would work for them anyway.\u00c2\u00a0 SL reminded me that we aim for long so-called careers, and will be around and alive for the next round in three years.
\n>
\n> I did not succumb to the relationship-games started by the woman I was dating
\n>
\n> Which is to say: we broke up. She started a fight over my defining boundaries.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 I insisted that my boundaries were important.\u00c2\u00a0 She said that it was not okay with her the way I was “distanced.” I think she was bluffing, and wanted me to give in to her and come running back.\u00c2\u00a0\u00c2\u00a0 She thought that I was going to say ‘all right, for you, just this once’ or something.\u00c2\u00a0 But i did not.\u00c2\u00a0 This caused her to cry and cry.\u00c2\u00a0 This was exhausting.
\n>
\n> This is overly simplified, as the Oracle does not need the details, but rather the universal truths.\u00c2\u00a0 The only detail the Oracle might need to know was that the fight she started was over whether I should sort through her automobile registration and insurance papers to make sure they were in order.\u00c2\u00a0 She made it sound like she had spent most of her time ruminating over this seemingly insignificant detail since it had happened five days earlier.\u00c2\u00a0 Needless to say, it was an inappropriate request to make of someone you have been dating for a couple of months on weekends.\u00c2\u00a0 And so I said no.\u00c2\u00a0 And then when she started relationship-games, I also said no.
\n>
\n> I also said no to my my mothers repeated requests to help-me-out-in-my-time-of-need.\u00c2\u00a0 This was a mistake.
\n>
\n> I repeatedly explained to her that there was nothing she could do.\u00c2\u00a0 She could not fly here and come take care of me; it would just be more difficult for me, as I would feel compelled to take care of her and she would get in the way of my daily life, which has to continue in some form or another.\u00c2\u00a0 I turned down her request to send me money to pay for… take out food… cab rides… etc.\u00c2\u00a0 I told her I would take more cabs, and that I could pay for it.\u00c2\u00a0 I told her that take out makes me feel like shit.\u00c2\u00a0 This is true.\u00c2\u00a0 She just got more anxious.\u00c2\u00a0 So today I told my mother she could help in whatever way she wanted.
\n>
\n> But Oracle, I arrived at an even better way for my mother to feel like she is involved with me and helping-me-out-in-my-time-of-need.\u00c2\u00a0 I invited her to make a project with me.\u00c2\u00a0 I want to make a pinstripe suit with reflective stripes.\u00c2\u00a0 She sews. She is going to do some looking and talking to people. I made a wiki page for the project, made her an account, and invited her to post her research the wiki.\u00c2\u00a0 Nevermind that in a spurt of research after I got off the phone, I found someone in the UK who has done it, and patented his process. It is the process of sharing with her that matters, right?
\n>
\n> your supplicant
\n>
\n> m
\n>
\n>
\n>
\n> On Mar 6, 2008, at 2:28 PM, LK wrote:
\n>
\n>> hon, the oracle has been so slack. I’m sorry. look for her feedback soon!
\n>>
\n>>
\n>>
\n>>
\n>>
\n>> On Mar 1, 2008 at 1:02 PM, m wrote:
\n>>
\n>>>
\n>>> Dear Oracle,
\n>>>
\n>>> This week i had to do things I had previously said yes to, and could not say no to.
\n>>>
\n>>> The planets were already spinning.
\n>>>
\n>>> When my wounds heal, I will pretend to join a gym so I can use their sauna.
\n>>>
\n>>> I will perform the breathing exercise as soon as my cleaning lady leaves.
\n>>>
\n>>> This week I asked for help.
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked someone to come clean my apartment (and paid them).
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked someone to rub my back (and paid them).
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked someone to rub my body and touch me gently (I did not pay them, they are my regular intimate)
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked several people to spend time with me, for lunch, for dinner, just to be in the same space
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked several people to accompany me to my doctor’s appointments, and wait for me until they were over.
\n>>>
\n>>> I asked my friends to send me funny things from the Internet because laughing makes me feel good.
\n>>>
\n>>> I did say no
\n>>>
\n>>> I said no to someone else’s intern who wanted me to hold their hand through a software installation
\n>>>
\n>>> I said no to three people who wanted help building websites
\n>>>
\n>>> I said no to a meeting I did not have to be at
\n>>>
\n>>> your learning supplicant,
\n>>>
\n>>> m
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>>
\n>>> On Mar 1, 2008, at 2:12 AM, LK wrote:
\n>>>
\n>>>> Dear Supplicant,
\n>>>>
\n>>>> The oracle requests that you perform two exercises. One involves breathing through your nose one nostril at a time. Hold the other one shut. breathe in, change nostrils, then breath out and in again. Change.
\n>>>>
\n>>>> The other involves locating a sauna in your neighborhood and sitting in it. You might have to pretend to join a gym. It’s probably better if you wait for your leg wound to heal somewhat first. The oracle has heard good things about this place, which while not quite in your neighborhood, feels like a resonant harmony with your current state: http:\/\/www.russianturkishbaths.com\/enter.html
\n>>>>
\n>>>> “being early” is an intense space to occupy. Be very careful. Be sure to look at a wide variety of colors, especially blues and purples, whenever you’re early.
\n>>>>
\n>>>> yours in bliss,
\n>>>>
\n>>>> LK
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>> On Feb 25, 2008, at 7:47 PM, m wrote:
\n>>>>
\n>>>>> Dear Oracle,
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> I pull at my spinning planets to slow them down:
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> Today I informed a colleague that I would not be able to be a guest lecturer in her class, as previously arranged.
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> Today I told a client I had a health issue and would not be able to deal with their website issues at my usual speed.\u00c2\u00a0 (And then delegated it to my assistant.)
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> Today I am going to be early.
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> in supplication and heavy-yoga-breathing
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> m
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>> On Feb 25, 2008, at 10:41 PM, LK wrote:
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>>> Dear Supplicant,
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> The oracle requests that you send data re future activities so that she might better channel your unresolved energies.
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> Presenting successful resolutions to the oracle only effects currently spinning planets at their current spin rate.
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> Continue with the prostrations, as directed.
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> Yours in bliss,
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> LK
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>> On Feb 24, 2008, at 4:53 PM, m wrote:
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> Oh Guru of Calm,
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> Oh High Priestess of Doing-Nothing-Ness
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I report these things which I am not doing:
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I did not go to the big event at the studio on Saturday, even though everyone else was there.
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I am not doing the alumni interview.\u00c2\u00a0 I contacted the Alumni chair, and told him i had an emergency and could not do it.\u00c2\u00a0 His problem now.
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I am not going in to school for the applicants job talk on tuesday.\u00c2\u00a0 Emailed in, and told them I had a medical procedure on monday.
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I am not going in to the studio on Tuesday, even though I dont have to go in to school.
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> I turned down an interview for a exhibition catalogue. They can reprint something i already did. Or not. That is enough.
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> Your supplicant initiate
\n>>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>> m
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>>
\n>>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>>
\n>>>
\n>>
\n><\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"