Category: daily update

Freezing out the pain

im sitting in the server room at the studio, where it is perpetually 64 degrees, or cooler.  there is an industrial AC unit that runs 24/7.  even in the winter.

i kinda figured out how to deal w/ the hot flashes and pins and needles when i wait for the subway.   it seems to happen every time i go into the subway, about 45 to 90 seconds after i walk onto the subway platform.  so i decided today to just hang out at the top of the stairs until the train was passing.  then i shuffled down the stairs into the subway.  no pins and needles on the subway platform.

BUT

the pins and needles hit with a fucking vengence at the very end of the bus ride over to the west side highway.  i unbuttoned my shirt, and was scratching at at my stomach, and arms and legs like crazy.  it seems they have turned off the AC on the buses, or mbe just this one.  my body just flat out freaked on me.

i got to the studio, and couldn’t get the AC working.  went up to the kitchen looking for some ice; just the other day, the freezer was full of ice, but today it was empty save one sketchy looking 3 x 4 inch ice pack.  i rubbed it all over my arms and belly, only to discover it had frozen soda on it, or something.  so then i washed in the sink.  what a sticky mess.

it was weird storming around the lab trying to make the AC work, trying not to cry, trying to figure out how to get some food (i called for takeout, but no one was picking up their phone) and everyone was either on the phone or had their earphones on.  i wanted help, but i was embarrassed to ask for help b/c i didn’t want to have explain or something, and everyone was in “ignoring mode.”  it is my responsibility to ask, but sometimes you just want someone to notice you, and ask if you need help.  old-lady-on-the-bus syndrome.

so here i am in the server room.  my assistant is out standing in line at the sandwich shop getting food.

EL called right when i sat down in the server room, and i was breaking down and crying.  and he gave me a good talking to about how i can’t let myself freak out over external pressures.  my health is more important than anything anyone could ask of me to do.  No deadline is as important as my health.  Gosh… deadline == dead line.  um.  that’s morbid wordplay.  but maybe it will help me focus on not letting the deadlines takeover.

Its really hard.  I’ve started so many things that are in motion that are controlling my time.  I mean this book i’m working on, I started it over a year ago.  there are a bunch of things like that, which I can’t get out of, are already set in motion, and involved at least one other collaborator, if not a team of people.  and there are things like a printer deadline and the fact that the book is already up on amazon.  seeing the book on amazon really freaked me out.  that made the deadline real in this whole other way.

finally a scab

The hole in my skin left by the mole that was removed 2.5 weeks ago is finally starting to form a scab.  It was infected and raw for most of that time.  The Interferon prevents the healing of wounds.  Which is why I had to wait extra time until my surgery scars were healed before I started.

Surreal to have a pretty small (.5cm diameter) wound take 2.5 weeks to *begin* healing.  BUT, I’m just glad that I don’t have to take a drug holiday for it to heal.

Forgetting that I am Forgetting

i’m kind of rough.  back up to full dose again, post immunosupression.  been experiencing a whole lot of side effects.  lots of physical discomfort.  (that’s a nice euphemism.)

O told me today that i have been forgetting things.  as in, she tells me things, or i do things, and then don’t realize that i have already been told this, and ask about it.  or don’t realize that i have already done something. (or more likely: not done something.) i mean, i knew before i was forgetting things.  but now, it seems that i am forgetting things and *not* realizing it.  this has been freaking me out today.

also, lots of pinprick sensations.  the heat rash + hot flash thing.  in the middle of public i just want to pull off all of my clothes and scratch frantically at my skin.  sometimes i pull off all of my outerlayers, and scratch at my skin under my undershirt.  only in new york, right?

actually i wish i was (sort of) in china.  i mean, it would be much hotter there, but in the summer the men in china all pull their shirts up over their bellies.  i think that is the most brilliant move.  all these old men with formal slacks, leather shoes, pulling their shirts up over their bellies.  their nipples stay covered!  but they get some cooling.

Too True, Too True

O is sick.  She writes:

I’m not really hungry but i haven’t eaten and want the comfort of
comfort food (sound familiar?) so i’m going to call the diner for
delivery and then just stare at it when it arrives.

it’s a mystery to me what this is. my sore throat is super mild, it’s
just headache, body aches, and total fatigue. i think i might also
have a low-grade fever. i’d say that i really hope you don’t catch
this, except that i know these symptoms already define your every
day….

sad but true.  and well put

Mouth Sores Redux

I have mouth sores again.  This time its not ulcers like the previous two times.  But a swollen bump in the right side of my tongue.  More towards the bottom, but inside.  It feels like a sebacious cyst in hardness, but it hurts to the touch.  And it appeared rather quickly.  Probably just another viral infection, which will hopefully pass w/ none of the fanfare and asskicking of the last one.

In other news, I switched my injection days to Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings.  I was going in to the studio Tuesday and Thursday after injecting the night before, and it was just plain not fun.  So I switched so I can lay low the days after injection, and be fresher when I am in the studio.

Apples and Peanut Butter

On Sep 24, 2008, at 2:12 PM, addwag wrote:

i was thinking about that analogy that monk gave you about billy’s bakery..

what if you love cupcakes and then you resist getting a cupcake and then after a while you no longer crave or need cupcakes- which is the goal?

then do you lose what you love because you resist it? and if so, what do you love instead?

i think that for him it is all about controlling and submlimatng desire.  and chanelling that energy into meditation (and all the god stuff.)

but for me, it is more important as an analogy of changing behaviors.  understanding how behaviors are created and reinforced.  positive and negative.

i *had* to do this (w/o really understanding the process) when i got off of caffeine 10 years ago.  i had to do this just this past month with learning to incorporate the neti pot into my twice-daily ablutions.  and i’ve definitely had to do this with meditation. but there is a point of inflection, where it gets easier and easier to do (and harder and harder to not do.)  that is the real point.

but when you leave something behind, you always have the memory.  sometimes its not the love for the thing itself, but your desire for something.  and sometimes desire is something good to get rid of.  covetousness desire.  greedy desire.

the IFN makes it so i don’t like chocolate.  i used to *love* chocolate.  and for now, that love is gone.  and at first it was terribly sad for me.  i felt like i was missing part of myself.  but love of chocolate isn’t me, its just something i had.  it was replaced with love of watermelon.  now that watermelon is no longer in season, i have love of apples and peanut butter.  things come and go.

Another mole removed

I guess these are technically biopsies.  This is the second one post Melanoma diagnosis.  The first one was expected negative.  The dermatologist removed it because it was on the back of my leg and hard for me to track it.

My mother saw this one, and thought it was new.  I have no idea.  The dermatologist thought it looked healthy, but we removed it anyway.  Its the mom-principle.

one more biopsy