Chemo day three was uneventful. I got myself psyched up to go, but by the time we were halfway there I was deflated again. And then I realized I had forgotten to take my anti meds (lexapro and klonopin) that morning, so I felt defeated. I shuffled in to the clinic, while my mom went back to the house for my anti meds. They hooked me up, and the IV happened. I shuffled out of there and crumpled into my seat in the car.
My friend AC came by that evening. She is a friend from high school, who I fell somewhat out of touch with for a while, but have been back in touch with over the last two years. My mom made dinner, we chatted, and then I went upstairs to rest for a bit. Anna made her way up, after attempting to help with the dishes (my mom would not let her, LOL.)
We talked. I asked her to hold my hand. This is something I have found really comforting: holding people’s hands.
And I asked her to hold me. I was a little nervous about that, but she understood and was glad to be able to. It is so comforting to me to have people hold me, but it is something that I find really hard to ask for. Both because I feel like I can only ask certain special people. And b/c in the wrong context it could imply emotional and sexual things that are not meant to be implied. It helps that AC is gay, so there it is clear that my request was def not a come-on. LOL.
She held me. It was so nice. I cried. I find I can only cry when someone is holding me.
Before I started the anti drugs I was crying all the time. I would sit down on the subway, and start crying hysterically while some poor 12 year old girl stared at me with compassion and curiosity, and her mother tried to not to look.
Now, the anti drugs keep me from crying. The lexapro makes it so i can’t cry. The klonopin makes it so i dont care that i cant cry.
Though my doses are low, I think. 10mg of lexapro and .25 & .5mg of klonopin. At least that is what a nurse said today when we were talking about adding back in some Ambien.
Anyway, I cried, AC held me, and we talked about everything that was going on. I hadn’t really told her the story, so I did. I showed her my scars. We talked about how it was changing me.
Being held was so wonderful. It is the thing that I want the most. I think that it is a major absence in Cancer care. They have massage, and accupuncture, and complementary care, and nutrition. But no holding. Can you call it Cancer Cuddle Care? I know, it sounds jokey, but I am completely serious.
The problem is that there are undertones to it. Our society needs safe boundaries for anyone to touch anyone else. And people would have to get certified in Cuddling. MPC: Masters in Professional Cuddling?
At some point after I broke up with K, and before started seeing O, I desperately wanted to be held. In a non-sexual way. I went through a laundry list of everyone in New York I could ask to do it, and decided they would either be freaked out by it, or read it as a sexual invitation (and accept). I seriously considered hiring a call girl to come and hold me for an hour. No sex, just holding. I parsed the listings on CL, and realized that wasn’t going to work – they were either cracked out or sexed up. There were no peaceful, caring, call girls on CL. LOL. But it is kind of indicative of how much I wanted to be held. And it was also kind of a low point.
