a friend’s bad news

I wrote this at the end of August, but didn’t feel it was appropriate to post it then.  Then I forgot about it in my draft folder.  The good news is that everything checked out fine, and there was no Cancer.  (I spoil the ending, I know…)

B came up to me today and asked to talk.  she seemed really distressed.  strangely the kind of distressed i usually associate with someone about to tell me that they are really mad at me.  i was really confused.  we went over to where the chairs are at eyebeam, and sat down.  i asked her if she was okay, and she said “no” with real conviction.  she paused, and said that  she went to the doctor for a mamogram, and then she paused.  stunned.  i just reached out and held her hand.

they found calcifications (nodes) in her breast.  apparently they are concerned about them.  that some patterns are worse than others.  I don’t know much about the histology and prognoses of breast cancer.  i only know about melanoma, and each are so different.  but what i do know is what it feels like to be told you need to have a biopsy.  i told her the things i wished i had known at that moment.  and i did it with a calm and collectedness that surprised me.

i told her that until they confirm that it is malignant, she needs to remain calm, and not go down that road mentally.  i told her that percentages and odds of outcomes are irrelevant: i was supposed to be in the 85%, but I ended up in the 15% (with metastisis).  i told her that she could come and cry at any time and i would hold her.  and i told her that she shouldn’t keep it bottled up: i waited way too long to tell people, pretending that it was not a big deal.  but the fact is, it is a big deal from day one of discovery.  emotionally, and physically.  i told her to figure out what she can ask for help with, and ask for it: from her parents, from her friends.  and i told her what SL told me the first day: she needed to learn how to meditate.

and i told her the story of when i was 17 and they found big nodes in my lungs on a routine physical.  they had to do a biopsy.  i thought i was going to have cancer and die.  but it turned out that it was just scar tissue from a childhood pneumonia or something.

until you get confirmation that something bad is going on, you have to be optimistic and remain mentally strong.  so much of it is a mental struggle.

I didn’t write it at the time, but the other thing I was how I was becoming The Cancer Expert, and people were coming to me to talk about their histories, and their current scares.