one of my colleagues called me today. i talked to him for a while. just chatting about the situation. but also, an acquaintance/friend of his was just diagnosed with Stage III Melanoma (what I have). but there are complications — something in the intestines that is (maybe) not the melanoma, it is something else. he’s having blood in in his stool; i think it sounded like he had noticed something a while ago, but hadn’t gone until the blood showed up. apparently the doctor said something like ‘i wish you had come six months ago.’
hearing that story makes me so glad i reacted in the way i did. i swear, i wonder how long it would have been until i found it, if i hadn’t forgotten to trim my toenails, and if it wasn’t so dry in my apt in the winter, i wouldn’t have scratched the back of my dry dry calfs, and i wouldn’t have caught my toe on the lesion and yelped, and looked down to discover that new mole.
actually, i know when i would have seen it. K saw it and asked what it was. I told her i had gone to the dermatologist, and he said it was either a blood blister and going to go away in four weeks, or to come back to have it removed. so it would have been maybe six weeks later.
my primary care physician (whom i totally have a crush on) called me when she found out (via doctors reports.) she was pretty amazed/shocked herself. she said “you know, you saved your own life by finding it and acting on it.” and she is not the kind of person to make exaggerations.
anyway, it was great to talk to my colleague today. i enjoyed talking with him. but it was a little weird being the melanoma expert. i mean that is largely why he called. he wanted to give his acquaintance/friend some info from my experience, and to get my doctor’s info. its not something i really *want* to be an expert on.
also, it was a bit of pretend-normal. talking to him, i got up for it. i felt better talking to him. i was concentrating. using all my energy to be lively. trying to be upbeat. charming. make jokes. laugh at his jokes. etc. in the process i make it seems like i am doing better than i am. partly b/c for that moment i *am* doing better. but also b/c i don’t want to appear not well. it is, to a certain degree, about appearances.
pretend-normal. tomorrow i restart the Interferon. back to life in the slow lane. no appetite, no energy, no motivation. i have been really anxious. i took extra anxiety medication this morning. i don’t know if it helped. i rode my bicycle hard. i think that helped. i was breathing really hard; the kind where you get a headache in your ears. that is such a sign that you are working out hard. i have not worked out that hard in four months? it sure feels good. though who knows when i’ll be able to do it again.
130 tomorrow is bloodwork. hopefully i pass, and get the drugs.
