Tag: fatigue

Naturopath 2.0: goals and strategies

i got enough sleep before the meeting with the naturopath.

basically it was kind of like therapy.  except from a cancer survivor.  whose whole deal is finding ways to win the mental war and compensate for the nastiness of the physical war in the body.

he gave me B-12 vitamins.  b/c I don’t eat meat, which is mostly true.  (did you know that pescatarian was added to the dictionary today? So was Fanboy!!! — http://edition.cnn.com/2008/US/07/07/new.dictionary.words.ap/index.html)  and it will also help my liver function

and we talked a lot about goals and how i need to overcome this mentally.  it was a lot of information all at once. and it was just the same information as the last time, but more specific.  lets see if i can remember:

1. I personally have to take on the mental battle.  The drs are doing the chemical stuff, but I have to win the mental battle.

2. I need to set goals.  Part of the problem is that I am just reacting right now.  Reactionary.  I feel bad, I feel good.  I need to set short term and long term goals.  So I have something to aim for.  My long term goal is full quality of life during the 11 month treatment period.  My short term goal is to make it through the next week feeling good, with more energy, and more calmness.  And to have liver enzyme counts that allow me to finish up the drugs.

To accomplish the next week’s goal he told me I need to eat more (whatever I can eat, whenever I can eat), continue to exercise, take my B-12, and I forget the rest.  Oh, meditation.  Meditation.

I said to him that meditation seemed to work, but I didn’t understand why. And he said something that was kind of stunning, but I kind of forget what it was.  maybe it was kind of mystical like ‘maybe you know more than you realize.’

Anyway, it was really early in the morning, and it was so much information, but I forget.  The next meeting is after noon, so I’ll be in better shape.

The other thing he kept saying is that I have to move through this.  I can’t be passive.  I have to move through this, and arrive at a state where I am at peace with the cancer.  Because, as he says, I will never get to the point where the cancer is a non-issue.  He is 19 years out, and he still thinks about it.  As he says, this is now version 2.0 of my life.  And there is no going back.  But there is making peace.

And if there is no making peace, then I play victim.  And that is lame.  I don’t want to play victim.  Laaaame.

i think there was a bunch more, but that is what i remember now, two hours later.

now it is time to leave to get my Interferon.  week 3 begins.  hopefully this will go easy.  and my liver will stay happy.

Halfway there

I finished week two.  I always think of these kinds of things in terms of running a mile.  Four laps around the track.  I just finished the second lap.  Fractions help make things more understandable for me.

I managed to keep the IV for the whole week again.

But today, Saturday, I feel kinda terrible.  This happened last week too.  The weekend is supposed to be a slight reprieve, but I seem to feel worse.

Bob was in for IV fluids again.  He and the other woman who started at the same time as me were chatting.  Bob asked me how bad my chills had gotten.  When I told him I didn’t get any, just got really cold he was kinda shocked.  I asked him, and the other woman who started at the same time as me if they did; she said twice.  Bob nodded, as if to imply he got them at least twice.  These are the kind of chills where you couldn’t hold onto anything, where your body just shakes.  Boy am I glad I missed out on that.

Weekend 1, new side effects

Last night I discovered two new side effects: a rash on my arms and a swollen tonsil.  Only my right tonsil.  Swollen like a little ball.

Apparently the rash is common.  There is another woman who is doing the same Interferon sequence as I am and apparently she developed it on her arms and her legs on Friday; I was unaware, as I was asleep.  I got it Saturday.  Right as I was going to sleep.  I mentioned something about itchy arms, and my mom sprang into motion.  We went searching for the benedryl cream.  It turns out mom loaned it to the neighbors the day before.  So my dad went over to ask the neighbors to borrow it back, but they couldn’t find it.  So then he goes off to the closest 24hr pharmacy (oh, for this I miss New York.)  And about three minutes after he leaves the phone rings and it is the neighbors saying they found it.  I tell my mother, who calls my dad on the cell phone.  The last thing I hear before the Ambien drags me under is the sound of my Father’s cell phone ringing in my parents room, and my mother quietly cursing.

I spent almost the entire day in bed, and ate very little.

In the evening, I rallied and went with my parents to a marriage reception for a family friend. There were a couple of people there who I wanted to see, a ton of people I didn’t know, and almost no one in-between. I made it an hour.  i was fine and then all of a sudden I knew I had passed my threshold and had to go.  When I arrived I had a little jump in my step; I was alert and ready to handle whatever social stuff might come at me.  By the time I left I was shuffling my feet, and had my arms wrapped around my torso in self-comfort/self-defense.

I was proud that I made it at all.

Weekend 1, in bed

I spent most of today in bed.  Total fatigue.  I lost my appetite too.  I guess that will mark the beginning of the chemo negative 15.  Which is the opposite of the freshman 15.

I weighed in at 201.5 this week.  I haven’t crossed 200 since I was a ski racer (2nd mention in less than a week!) and then it was all muscle.  Right now, it is *not* all muscle.  LOL.  It is the result of lying in bed for 6 weeks recovering from surgeries.

And it is also the constipation.  All these drugs they give you stop up the tubes.  Lets just say I’m full of shit right now…

I was lying in my parents glass room as the sun went down listening to Bach’s Cello Suite, regretting that I didn’t even want chocolate, and realized what I really wanted was a milkshake.  So off we go to Ben and Jerry’s. Maybe I’ll even get some pleasure out of this.

Chemo day 3

Chemo day three was uneventful. I got myself psyched up to go, but by the time we were halfway there I was deflated again.  And then I realized I had forgotten to take my anti meds (lexapro and klonopin) that morning, so I felt defeated.  I shuffled in to the clinic, while my mom went back to the house for my anti meds.  They hooked me up, and the IV happened.  I shuffled out of there and crumpled into my seat in the car.

My friend AC came by that evening.  She is a friend from high school, who I fell somewhat out of touch with for a while, but have been back in touch with over the last two years.  My mom made dinner, we chatted, and then I went upstairs to rest for a bit.  Anna made her way up, after attempting to help with the dishes (my mom would not let her, LOL.)

We talked.  I asked her to hold my hand.  This is something I have found really comforting: holding people’s hands.

And I asked her to hold me.  I was a little nervous about that, but she understood and was glad to be able to.  It is so comforting to me to have people hold me, but it is something that I find really hard to ask for.  Both because I feel like I can only ask certain special people.  And b/c in the wrong context it could imply emotional and sexual things that are not meant to be implied. It helps that AC is gay, so there it is clear that my request was def not a come-on.  LOL.

She held me.  It was so nice.  I cried.  I find I can only cry when someone is holding me.

Before I started the anti drugs I was crying all the time.  I would sit down on the subway, and start crying hysterically while some poor 12 year old girl stared at me with compassion and curiosity, and her mother tried to not to look.

Now, the anti drugs keep me from crying.  The lexapro makes it so i can’t cry. The klonopin makes it so i dont care that i cant cry.

Though my doses are low, I think.  10mg of lexapro and .25 & .5mg of klonopin.  At least that is what a nurse said today when we were talking about adding back in some Ambien.

Anyway, I cried, AC held me, and we talked about everything that was going on.  I hadn’t really told her the story, so I did.  I showed her my scars.  We talked about how it was changing me.

Being held was so wonderful. It is the thing that I want the most.  I think that it is a major absence in Cancer care.  They have massage, and accupuncture, and complementary care, and nutrition.  But no holding.  Can you call it Cancer Cuddle Care?  I know, it sounds jokey, but I am completely serious.

The problem is that there are undertones to it. Our society needs safe boundaries for anyone to touch anyone else.  And people would have to get certified in Cuddling.  MPC: Masters in Professional Cuddling?

At some point after I broke up with K, and before started seeing O, I desperately wanted to be held. In a non-sexual way. I went through a laundry list of everyone in New York I could ask to do it, and decided they would either be freaked out by it, or read it as a sexual invitation (and accept).  I seriously considered hiring a call girl to come and hold me for an hour.  No sex, just holding.  I parsed the listings on CL, and realized that wasn’t going to work – they were either cracked out or sexed up.  There were no peaceful, caring, call girls on CL.  LOL.  But it is kind of indicative of how much I wanted to be held.  And it was also kind of a low point.