Day: August 5, 2008

it seemed like it was going to be an easy round this time, but i spoke too soon. I went through a mild round of chills and fever, felt better, and went to sleep around 11, drugged and seemingly peaceful.

 

I woke at 130am with the worst chills I have had yet.  Much worse than the first night I started the much higher IV dosage. I tried to get warm with the heating pad and relax as best i could, but my muscles were on the threshold of spasming and going into shakes.  Shivering at the top of the stairs, I called S for help.

He turned the AC off, brought luke warm water, warmer sweatpants, a winter down blanket, arranged the heating pad, and held my hand until I/my body had calmed down enough that i was not shaking anymore.

Sometime later I realized I had started sweating. It is amazing how I can’t notice that liminal moment when I transition, I only notice once I am already overheated and feverish.  I pushed all of my warm stuff off and crawled out of bed.  I think S was there by the time i got out into the living room.  AC back on, ice packs on the chest, drinking cold water.

The fever was still going strong when S went to be around 3am.  I tried to get to sleep.  i took even more sleeping drugs.  my mind was racing, and my body was aching.  i tried to meditate.  i tried to do guided visualizations.  i listened to Music for Airports. and still I was sweating, and tossing and turning with no real chance of sleeping.  It reminded me of the second day of IV infusion, when I couldn’t sleep all night. 

As the sun started to come out, sometime before 6am, I thought I might try to sleep on the couch.  sometimes moving into a new bed helps me.  its like i think i’m starting the getting-to-sleep process over, with a clean slate.  i pulled off the cushions, brought out my pillow and sheet, set down my liter jar of water, and went to put away my ice pack.  coming back to the couch i forgot about the water, and kicked it over, spilling a liter of water on the floor and splashing it all over the sheet and cushions.  it was too much.  i just sat down on the wet couch and cried. 

it felt good to cry.  i was really frustrated.  and i couldn’t really express it.  and i haven’t cried in some time.  and the crying was maybe the thing that made me tired enough that no matter what, i was going to be able to sleep.

I finally slept around 7am.  I woke around 1030am. i feel like i got hit by a truck.  or maybe like i did a hard workout, then drank a six pack on an empty stomach.

what i don’t get is why there were two waves of chills/fever, why the second one was worse, and why the self injection seems to have such stronger side effects, at least on the first night.  I guess mainlining any drug is the best way to take it.  Maybe that or snorting it.  LOL.

so, my mind was racing the whole time.  i kept remembering things i needed to do.  and ideas i had had but had forgotten, and questions i had, and thoughts i wanted to remember.  so i wrote them down in the book O gave me.  in the dark.  my handwriting is bad enough when i can see what i am writing.  check out what it looks like when i can’t.  I think i will be able to decipher these runes.  I think so, but it will take an effort.