About 10 days ago I had a pretty important conversation with my naturopath. It had two foci: my new Normal state, and confronting my fears about feeling out of control.
He pointed out that over the last 7 months (it is now 7…) my emotional and physical baseline for what was “normal” has fluctuated wildly. And I don’t really remember all of these discrete moments. All I remember is maybe the last week. The here and now. Which is always not quite what I once was able to do. But the point was that I am doing so much better than I was after the surgery or during the IV IFN in Portland. And I have to accept that things have changed and that I have a new standard of “normal.”
A lot of acceptance that has to happen during this year. Its okay to be a new normal. My new normal changes. It is better than it was a month or two ago, but it is *not* my old normal. It will keep oscillating a bit. But hopefully it will stay high.
The other thing we talked about was my anxiety that “i can’t take care of my life”. The thought and the fear spin out of control. And attaches itself to all kinds of other toughts.
But the fact is, i can take care of myself. Mostly at least. I have to look at these things specifically. And really ask if they are true. Its not a pep talk. its facts. i’m doing these things. i can do this.
If i call myself out on a *specific* fear (e.g. that I can’t make myself dinner, that i can’t do creative work, that i can’t go to the grocery story), i see its not true, or i see it is true (and i do something about it – i ask for help). take it out of mental torture. look through it and see the truth, or accept it and figure out a way around it. otherwise it will eat me. i eat it, or it eats me.
i need to write down a journal of stressful thoughts. and then question them. and they’ll loose my power over me.
i will bring the darkness out into the light and see where the dust settles. and then from there, i can figure out how to make sure i’m supported in terms of the mental down.
so to start, here is a graph of my changing normal. from december 06, when i was having a rough time, feb when i was diagnosed, through the surgeries, and IFN treatments.
