Day: December 23, 2008

Scarfs, Clothes and Memory

My godmother sent me her late husband’s scarf for my birthday.  Jack passed away several years ago; he had been waiting for, and then had a liver transplant that did not take.   i *do* remember Jack wearing it. I will wear the scarf with the strength and power and perseverance that Jack lived his life with.  it is both hugely emotional for me to receive this from her, and for her to give it.  and it is probably, in a certain way, cathartic.  memory is hard.  especially the sweet ones that we want to hold on to, but have to move on from.

i have a box that has three stuffed animals that my ex-girlfriend and I used to play with.  they all had names and characters, and histories and personalities. i don’t want to let go of those memories, but at the same time i can’t impose that on someone coming afterwards.  and those memories have turned so bittersweet.  (and not like all the chocolate i got for my birthday).  she is an *ex* for a reason, despite the funny scenarios she could concoct with two stuffed tigers and a dog.  maybe some day i will find someone to give them to, and show them their personalities and their voices. (they all have very distinct voices!)

My aunt sent me a scarf for my birthday last year.  She had begun knitting extensively when she started chemo for lung cancer.  The scarf arrived late, in mid january.  That was almost exactly the time I first went to the dermatologist to ask him to look at the bump on my calf.  It is amazing the power we can attach to clothing: sometimes I think of that scarf as her way of warning me.  Or of welcoming me.

New Drugs Helping!

I have been on Atarax for a week, and it is really helping with the itching and the dysesthesia.  Atarax is a high powered antihistamine. The Dr put me on 50mg 3x per day, and that was quite a wild ride.  I pretty much was stoned and staring at the wall, or sleeping.  I cut the dose in half, and am taking it 4 to 5 times per day, and the effects are more even, and i’m less zonked.

The really good thing is that my dysesthesia symptoms are markedly reduced.  I guess the idea is that the dysesthesia is happening in the nerve endings, so if you dull the inputs via an antihistamine, it will reduce the chances of the dysesthesia.  Or something like that. Regardless, it is working.  Which is not to say that I am not having episodes.  i have had several, but whereas I was having one bad episode per day, and two to five moderate episodes, now i have one bad episode every few days, and one mild episode per day.

Strangely, though, I have been having more episodes at night; waking up from nightmares in full pins and needles.  And generally having restless nightmare filled sleep.

Birthday Wishes

I turned 31.  x writes me:

officially in your thirties

because i think you’re 31, yes?

1. your pants start to fall off of your ass and so you spend more of your time than you ever thought possible with this singular task: pulling up your pants.
2. it seems you’ve been privy to eyes that don’t need glasses, but i suspect this curse of seeing will haunt you at some point, too. i predict your thirties for this one.
3. more time for collaborations gone wrong like the email you just sent me from that weird powder-paint-guy. (what was his context anyway?)
4. when good things happen they are REALLY GOOD but
5. when bad things happen they are horrible. oh, but you’ve been living with this for almost a year now. sigh.
6. you think about time in chunks of years instead of chunks of days.
7. your hands start to look old and veiny (have you noticed this yet?)
8. you realize even more than you did in your twenties the importance of your friends and family.

this is my way of saying happy birthday to you.
because, dammit, i’ll always be a few years older.
x