Tag: funny

A Big Ass Fortune Cookie

I rec’d a pkg from “Lady Fortunes” and while I do buy a lot of stuff online, and often forget exactly what was coming from where, most everything I’ve been buying have been art materials that have been shipped back to NYC.

So this package shows up with the return address “Lady Fortunes.” It was addressed to me, but I felt like it might have been a mistake. I waited for O to wake up, and ask her if it was hers. It seemed like tike it could be private. She denied all knowledge, but exhibited great curiosity. Ditto with my mom.

I was baffled. I had no idea what it was. We unboxed it, and it got funnier and funnier. So it is a fortune cookie that is 9 inches wide… and we are in hysterics. But there was no card in the box. So we are guessing who it is from. We suspected AW and LK, but it turns out upon opening, that it was from my Aunt and Uncle.

We were on a giggle-high from that one. So awesome.

Massive Fortune

Massive Fortune

Massive Fortune

Facemask as tactical device

I just flew to and from Los Angeles for a conference. As per my doctor’s orders I wore a facemask and used my neti pot upon landing. I didn’t get sick, which was wonderful.

In the process I discovered that my facemask was a great tactical device in the struggle for space on the airplane. The first flight was empty. I had a window seat, and there was someone sitting in the aisle. I put my mask on, looked out the window for a minute or so, and when I looked back, the guy sitting in the aisle seat was gone. Disappeared. Went and sat at some other aisle seat. So I got a whole row, and slept well. The thing that he didn’t get is that I wasn’t sick. I was not contagious. I wasn’t wearing the mask to protect him, I was wearing it to protect me. I was afraid of *his* germs!

Everyday is worse than a hangover

a few nights ago I got quite drunk with O. we were going to have a nightcap and hit the sack early, b/c we were both stressed out. and then as we were finishing that drink, my house guest adam walked in, and we poured another round. then more. then more. i think we did half a bottle of whiskey.

i haven’t drank like that in over a year for sure. i cut alcohol out once i started to get anxious pre-surgeries. and it just lost its appeal. since then it has hurt my mouth too much to drink, and wine has made me feel terrible, even when i have just a sip. but i have discovered that if i drink straight bourbon my mouth is numb within a couple of sips, and after that i can’t *feel* the burn.

so we slept late the next morning. we were going to head upstate early, but that didn’t happen. O rolled over and said “oh, i’m hungover” and i said “yeah me too” and sprung out of bed and said “but i feel like shit every morning, so i’m used to it!” I laughed, and old-man-shuffle-walked to the bathroom (like I do every morning), took my morning tylenol and advil. and made us breakfast.

O couldn’t get out of bed for an hour or so, she was so hungover. i, on the other hand, felt like it was just another day. same old same old.

i could choose to learn two lessons from this:

1. i really do feel really bad every day
2. i might as well drink every night

i’m not sure which is the better lesson

I’ve never been happier about a runny nose

I got a humidifier yesterday.  I put about a gallon of water into the air of my little apartment, and fell asleep.

When I woke up my nose was moist, if a little runny.  So much better than the barren desert craggy nasty bloody snot crust lesions I have spent the last two months waking up to.

nice mental image, eh?

Birthday Wishes

I turned 31.  x writes me:

officially in your thirties

because i think you’re 31, yes?

1. your pants start to fall off of your ass and so you spend more of your time than you ever thought possible with this singular task: pulling up your pants.
2. it seems you’ve been privy to eyes that don’t need glasses, but i suspect this curse of seeing will haunt you at some point, too. i predict your thirties for this one.
3. more time for collaborations gone wrong like the email you just sent me from that weird powder-paint-guy. (what was his context anyway?)
4. when good things happen they are REALLY GOOD but
5. when bad things happen they are horrible. oh, but you’ve been living with this for almost a year now. sigh.
6. you think about time in chunks of years instead of chunks of days.
7. your hands start to look old and veiny (have you noticed this yet?)
8. you realize even more than you did in your twenties the importance of your friends and family.

this is my way of saying happy birthday to you.
because, dammit, i’ll always be a few years older.
x