im sitting in the server room at the studio, where it is perpetually 64 degrees, or cooler. there is an industrial AC unit that runs 24/7. even in the winter.
i kinda figured out how to deal w/ the hot flashes and pins and needles when i wait for the subway.  it seems to happen every time i go into the subway, about 45 to 90 seconds after i walk onto the subway platform. so i decided today to just hang out at the top of the stairs until the train was passing. then i shuffled down the stairs into the subway. no pins and needles on the subway platform.
BUT
the pins and needles hit with a fucking vengence at the very end of the bus ride over to the west side highway. i unbuttoned my shirt, and was scratching at at my stomach, and arms and legs like crazy. it seems they have turned off the AC on the buses, or mbe just this one. my body just flat out freaked on me.
i got to the studio, and couldn’t get the AC working. went up to the kitchen looking for some ice; just the other day, the freezer was full of ice, but today it was empty save one sketchy looking 3 x 4 inch ice pack. i rubbed it all over my arms and belly, only to discover it had frozen soda on it, or something. so then i washed in the sink. what a sticky mess.
it was weird storming around the lab trying to make the AC work, trying not to cry, trying to figure out how to get some food (i called for takeout, but no one was picking up their phone) and everyone was either on the phone or had their earphones on. i wanted help, but i was embarrassed to ask for help b/c i didn’t want to have explain or something, and everyone was in “ignoring mode.” it is my responsibility to ask, but sometimes you just want someone to notice you, and ask if you need help. old-lady-on-the-bus syndrome.
so here i am in the server room. my assistant is out standing in line at the sandwich shop getting food.
EL called right when i sat down in the server room, and i was breaking down and crying. and he gave me a good talking to about how i can’t let myself freak out over external pressures. my health is more important than anything anyone could ask of me to do. No deadline is as important as my health. Gosh… deadline == dead line. um. that’s morbid wordplay. but maybe it will help me focus on not letting the deadlines takeover.
Its really hard. I’ve started so many things that are in motion that are controlling my time. I mean this book i’m working on, I started it over a year ago. there are a bunch of things like that, which I can’t get out of, are already set in motion, and involved at least one other collaborator, if not a team of people. and there are things like a printer deadline and the fact that the book is already up on amazon. seeing the book on amazon really freaked me out. that made the deadline real in this whole other way.
