I wrote this at the end of August, but didn’t feel it was appropriate to post it then. Then I forgot about it in my draft folder. The good news is that everything checked out fine, and there was no Cancer. (I spoil the ending, I know…)
B came up to me today and asked to talk. she seemed really distressed. strangely the kind of distressed i usually associate with someone about to tell me that they are really mad at me. i was really confused. we went over to where the chairs are at eyebeam, and sat down. i asked her if she was okay, and she said “no” with real conviction. she paused, and said that she went to the doctor for a mamogram, and then she paused. stunned. i just reached out and held her hand.
they found calcifications (nodes) in her breast. apparently they are concerned about them. that some patterns are worse than others. I don’t know much about the histology and prognoses of breast cancer. i only know about melanoma, and each are so different. but what i do know is what it feels like to be told you need to have a biopsy. i told her the things i wished i had known at that moment. and i did it with a calm and collectedness that surprised me.
i told her that until they confirm that it is malignant, she needs to remain calm, and not go down that road mentally. i told her that percentages and odds of outcomes are irrelevant: i was supposed to be in the 85%, but I ended up in the 15% (with metastisis). i told her that she could come and cry at any time and i would hold her. and i told her that she shouldn’t keep it bottled up: i waited way too long to tell people, pretending that it was not a big deal. but the fact is, it is a big deal from day one of discovery. emotionally, and physically. i told her to figure out what she can ask for help with, and ask for it: from her parents, from her friends. and i told her what SL told me the first day: she needed to learn how to meditate.
and i told her the story of when i was 17 and they found big nodes in my lungs on a routine physical. they had to do a biopsy. i thought i was going to have cancer and die. but it turned out that it was just scar tissue from a childhood pneumonia or something.
until you get confirmation that something bad is going on, you have to be optimistic and remain mentally strong. so much of it is a mental struggle.
I didn’t write it at the time, but the other thing I was how I was becoming The Cancer Expert, and people were coming to me to talk about their histories, and their current scares.